Mirror, Mirror
by paperpusher
Summary: Daria dreams of taking revenge on Upchuck after viewing a classic ST marathon.


  
  


"Captain, my sensors are picking up a strange disturbance," Mr. Sulu said. 

"What is it, Sulu?" asked Kirk. 

"Sir, I believe we're approaching a crossover field." 

"All, right, Mr. Sulu. Go to half impulse. Chekhov, power phasers and raise shields. Spock, I want a complete analysis. Lieutenant Uhura, take us to Yellow Alert." Kirk punched the comm button. "Attention, all hands, we are approaching a crossover. Brace yourselves. Kirk out." 

Okay, now you've been warned. It's a crossover, of a kind, but there's also a plot of some sort in this fic, too. I've really tried to avoid making it completely incomprehensible by making only general refs. In other words, it's not vital that you see the original Star Trek ep, "Mirror, Mirror," that inspired this, uh, work, but it sure would make some of the jokes a little funnier. Thumbnail sketch: Kirk et. al. are accidentally switched with the evil Kirk et. al. in their respective universes. It's all about our evil/violent/vengeful nature, and how we deal with it in everyday life. There'll be more info in the Notes. 

You can also be assured that although this is my first crossover, it will also be my last. This little ep has given me no end of headaches. From here on out, they'll all deal with conventional plotlines. I promise. Really. I mean it. 

Yes, it's in a modified teleplay format again. The "Cut to" lines are not properly positioned, but that's a minor annoyance, considering the pain it would be to code that in HTML. It's not perfect, but if anyone actually ever wants to actually produce this, then I promise that I'll fix it for them. (Yeah, right. I'll take my chances of getting hit by a meteorite -- they're better than the chances of anyone ever actually wanting me to fix this up for them to produce it.) 

**Acknowledgements:** Thanks to Michelle Klein-Hass and to Chris Majors for enduring prior drafts. The first few drafts were real stinkburgers. Thanks to the people who made the old "Star Trek" series so much fun to watch. And thanks to anyone else who ever encouraged me to do anything. 

**Legal Stuff:** "Daria" and all related characters are copyright and TM of MTV and VIACOM. "Star Trek" and all related characters are copyright and TM of Paramount and VIACOM as well. The following is a work of parody, created solely for the Author's personal amusement, for the purpose of learning the method of writing a teleplay, and not for any commercial purpose whatsoever. The Author does not wish nor intend to do any of the wonderful creative people at MTV Animation out of any part of their market, as he respects the hard work, dedication, and Old-world craftsmanship they put into each and every show. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music 510 U.S. 569 (1994). **All rights not belonging to MTV, VIACOM, Paramount, their successors, or assigns, are reserved by the Author of this parody.**

This is a modified teleplay format. In order to do this thing the way I wanted it to come out, I had to bend/break a few rules. One of the major rules I broke was the addition of camera angles, which aren't usually included in the scriptwriter's script. What can I say? I always wanted to direct. If you don't want to read the CUT TOs (which are not formatted correctly due to html limitations) then ignore them. For the camera shots, I used a modified and simplified shorthand: WS- Wide Shot/ MS-Medium Shot (normal focal length.) / CU-Close Up (Head & Shoulders Shot) / XCU eXtreme Close Up (Face)/ INT. - Interior / EXT. - Exterior / POV- Point of View that the camera occupies, so you can visualize the scene better / VO (or V/O) or OS -- Voice-over/Off Screen (you don't see the character speaking.) / OBLIQUE? At a non 90-degree angle. In other words, not straight on, or on the side. Just at an angle somewhere in between. / SS - Split Screen. 

Let the sport begin!   


Roll Intro to Daria in "Mirror, Mirror." 

Written by [The Paperpusher][1]

Act I. 

FADE IN: 

EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. 

WS of the FRONT of the SCHOOL, POV HEAD-ON. A bell rings, and a locker door slams. 

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY LOCKERS - DAY - 1 SECOND LATER. 

WS of the LOCKERS, POV ACROSS THE HALL. DARIA is standing in front of her open locker, putting away her books for the day, and grabbing a few for the evening. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA SAME POV INSIDE OF LOCKER. (SHOT only of Head & Shoulders.) UPCHUCK walks through the frame with an especially reptilian grin on his face. As he walks past DARIA, she jumps, yells, drops her books, and whirls around, all at the same time. UPCHUCK is nowhere to be seen. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA, POV ACROSS THE HALL. DARIA starts picking up her books, and she looks furious. 

JANE walks up to DARIA. 

** JANE **  


> What's wrong? 

** DARIA **  


(Still mad.) 

> Guess. 

** JANE **  


> Hm, well, let's see, your books are scattered all over the floor and you look ready to kill. So, either you've finally had it with reading and you've decided to join the fashion stazi, or Upchuck struck again. 

** DARIA **  


> That makes it the third time today. I'll have to think of something special to get even with him. 

** JANE **  


> We could always hire some goons to stuff him in his locker. 

** DARIA **  


(Considers it.) 

> Hm. (Beat.) No, too cliché. Besides, I want something a little more lingering, and I don't know if stuffing him in his locker is suitably horrible enough. 

** JANE **  


> The trouble with Upchuck is that he's the sort of person who loves attention. Any kind of attention. 

** DARIA **  


> That may be true, but I'm the sort of person who likes to take revenge on his sort of person. 

** JANE **  


> Maybe we can come up with some exotic ideas Friday Night. 

** DARIA **  


> Oh, yeah, is the Star Trek marathon still on? 

** JANE **  


> You bet. Set phasers on pinch, Mr. Ruttheimer. 

DARIA glares at JANE. 

** DARIA **  


> I think I'll make him pay for that last remark. 

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - STUDY HALL - NEXT DAY. 

MS of DARIA, POV SIDE, sitting in at her desk, reading a book. SHOT is from above the waist. UPCHUCK walks by DARIA'S desk, and suddenly falls forward. 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Whooaaaaugh! 

DARIA looks up from her book, titled "Revenge Made Easy," smiles to herself, then goes back to reading. 

UPCHUCK groans. 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY. 

MS of UPCHUCK sitting at a table by himself POV HEAD ON. DARIA walks by with a tray of food from left to right. She "trips" and dumps steaming hot clam chowdah all over Upchuck. 

** UPCHUCK **  


(In Curly Joe Derita-style pain, as if Moe had him by the nares.) 

> N-yuh N-yuh N-yuh!! 

CUT TO CU of DARIA, who smiles to herself. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Civilization 2, cretins nothing. 

(Out Loud. At first, contrite, but slowly getting madder, until she grinds her teeth on the last words.) 

> Whoops! I'm sorry, Upchuck, I guess I really should pay more attention to where I put my hands. You know, everyone should really pay more attention to what they may try to grab. They just might wind up regretting it. (Beat.) For a lifetime. 

INT. JANE'S ROOM - NIGHT. 

MS of JANE'S ROOM, POV TV. DARIA and JANE are seated on the bed, watching TV. 

** REDSHIRT **  


(OS from TV.) 

> Look out, Captain! It's coming right at you! 

The sound of an old-fashioned 1960's era Star Trek phaser being fired is heard. REDSHIRT screams as something suitably gruesome happens to him. 

** DR. McCOY **  


(OS from TV.)

> My God, Jim, look at him! 

** JANE **  


> Would that be gruesome enough for Upchuck? 

JANE points at the TV with the remote and hits the MUTE button. 

** DARIA **  


(Considers it.) 

> No, it was over with too quickly. Besides, where would I find a big rubber monster to suffocate him with? I want to make sure he doesn't forget this lesson. 

** JANE **  


(A little surprised.) 

> Jeez, Daria, don't you think you've already made your point with Upchuck? I mean, you _did_ dump hot clam chowder all over him. I don't think he'll forget _that_ anytime soon. 

** DARIA **  


> I don't know. I guess I'm still mad about the whole thing. Life's bad enough as it is without creeps like Upchuck making it any worse. I want to make sure that the lesson sticks, because I don't want to have to go through all of this again in a month, right after he gets his creep suit dry cleaned. 

** JANE **  


> Tell you what. Why don't we wait and if he tries it again, _I'll_ buy the clam chowder. It'll be my treat. Till then, let's not waste any more time plotting revenge on that loser. 

** DARIA **  


> Okay, but I still get to dump it on his head. 

CUT TO CU of the DOOR. Someone knocks at the door. 

CUT TO MS POV DOOR. 

** JANE **  


> C'mon in. 

CUT BACK TO CU of DOOR. The door opens, revealing TRENT, holding a pizza box, with a 6-pack of soda on top. 

** TRENT **  


> Your pizza's here. 

CUT TO MS of JANE'S ROOM, POV SIDE WALL. TRENT walks over to the bed and hands the pizza box and sodas to JANE. 

** JANE **  


> Cool. Thanks for bringing it up. 

** TRENT **  


> No problem. (Beat.) Hey, Daria. 

** DARIA **  


> Hey. 

** TRENT **  


> So, what are you two up to? 

** JANE **  


> It's a "Star Trek" marathon. You know, the old "Star Trek." We figured we'd catch it while we still can. 

** DARIA **  


> Yeah, it's inspiring to see Shatner's toupee in its natural habitat. And who can forget their creative use of Vaseline as a lens filter? 

** TRENT **  


(Chuckles.) 

> True, but "Star Trek" always left me cold. I guess I just couldn't get into it. But don't let me stop you from your fun. 

** JANE **  


> Okay, see you later. 

TRENT walks out of the room and closes the door behind him. 

CUT TO CU of JANE as she opens the pizza box. 

** JANE **  


(Grins wickedly. Slaps her hands together and rubs them together.) 

> Ha! Still works! 

CUT TO CU of JANE and DARIA, POV BACK WALL. 

** DARIA **  


> What do you mean? 

** JANE **  


> Whenever I used to order pizza, it was impossible to get it past Trent before he'd eat half of it. For such a skinny guy, I swear he eats like a pig. 

(Grins.) 

> Anyway, I finally discovered a topping combination that he won't touch. 

** DARIA **  


(Suspiciously.) 

> And just what _is_ your secret combination? 

** JANE **  


(Grins.) 

> Pineapples, jalapeno peppers, anchovies, capers, onions, garlic cloves, and mandarin oranges. 

** DARIA **  


(Repulsed.) 

> Yuck. Now I understand why he won't touch it. (Beat.) Let me guess-- vampire problems again, or is it wolfmen this time? 

** JANE **  


> No, it's actually not too bad. (Grimaces.) Although I have to admit that it took me awhile to get used to it. 

** DARIA **  


> Uh-huh. And what did you get to drink with this lovely collection of trash can pickings? 

** JANE **  


> Ah, this is the best part! 

(JANE holds up the 6-pack.) (Smiles.) 

> I got root beer. 

** DARIA **  


> Root Beer? With _that_? 

** JANE **  


> Daria, if there's one person I know really well, it's my brother. He hates the stuff. 

(JANE pulls two cans from the 6-pack.) 

> Sometimes you just have to learn to enjoy life wherever you can, and work around the tough parts. 

JANE hands DARIA a can. DARIA takes the can from JANE. 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs.) 

> I guess I can relate. 

CUT TO MS POV TV. 

** JANE **  


(Smiles.) 

> I thought so. Well, come on and dig in! 

** DARIA **  


> Besides, at least you didn't get Clamato. 

** JANE **  


(False shock.) 

> What do I look like, some kind of weirdo? 

** DARIA **  


> Can I get back to you on that one? 

** JANE **  


> C'mon, let's eat it before it gets cold. Believe me, if you don't like it now, you _really_ won't like it cold. 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. JANE'S ROOM - SAME DAY - LATE NIGHT - A FEW HOURS LATER. 

SAME MS. JANE and DARIA are now sprawled on the bed, surrounded by empty cans and an empty pizza box. Each has a hand on her stomach. 

** DARIA **  


(Groans.) 

> Ugh, now I know why Trent won't touch that stuff. Or why starving coyotes won't touch that stuff, either. 

** JANE **  


(Groans.) 

> Funny, it's never been this bad before. It must've been that third root beer that made it worse. 

** DARIA **  


(Sits up.) 

> Well, Bones, do you have anything for a bad stomach? 

** JANE **  


(Sits up.) 

> Sure, let me grab the ol' reliable. 

JANE grabs a bottle of antacid tablets from the bedside table, takes one, chews on it, sighs in relief, and hands the bottle to DARIA, who takes the bottle from JANE, takes a tablet and chews it. 

** DARIA **  


(Relieved.) 

> Mmmm. Much better. 

** JANE **  


(Snaps her fingers.) 

> _Now_ I remember why I keep that bottle of antacids close to the bed. 

** DARIA **  


> You mean you have to do this every time? 

** JANE **  


(Shrugs.) 

> Yeah, but it means more pizza for me. Come on, let's get to bed. I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. 

** DARIA **  


> Sounds like a plan to me. 

INT. JANE'S ROOM - NIGHT - A FEW MINUTES LATER. 

WS of JANE'S ROOM, POV HALL-DOOR-SIDE LEFT CORNER-45 DEGREE ANGLE. JANE is sitting up in bed, while DARIA is crawling into her sleeping bag, sans glasses. 

CUT TO CU JANE. 

** JANE **  


> Ready for Morpheus? 

CUT TO CU DARIA. 

DARIA lays her head on the pillow, and closes her eyes. 

** DARIA **  


(Mumbles.) 

> Mmmph, yeah, hit the lights. 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. DARIA'S ROOM - MORNING. 

CU of DARIA, POV SIDE, as she wakes up. She reaches for her glasses on the nightstand and puts them on. She looks surprised. 

ZOOM OUT TO WS of DARIA'S ROOM. It has changed. Instead of the padded cell walls, the walls are now normal white walls, but covered with all sorts of nasty-looking sharp weapons. The rug has been replaced with a bear-skin rug, and there is a large weight lifting apparatus in the corner. 

CUT TO XCU DARIA. 

** DARIA **  


(Surprised. Eyes get big.) 

> What happened to my room? 

CUT TO MS of DARIA'S DOOR. (The Bone poster is still there, though.) Someone is softly knocking at the door. 

** QUINN **  


(OS. Timidly.) 

> Daria, can I come in? 

CUT TO MS of DARIA, now seated upright in bed POV DOOR. She looks down, and realizes that she's wearing her usual orange t-shirt under some sort of green sleeveless leather vest with a device over the left breast. The device is a badge of some sort-- it consists of an image of two crossed lightning bolts, covered by the planet Earth. Over the right breast of the vest is a series of randomly placed medals of some sort. She's also wearing a wide silver cloth belt (a sash sort of thing). To say that DARIA is surprised is a gross understatement. She pulls off the cover to reveal a pair of black pants and big boots (old "Star Trek" style, natch -- no laces, almost knee-high, over-the-pants style). 

** DARIA **  


(Surprised.) 

> What the hell? 

QUINN knocks at the door again. 

** QUINN **  


(OS. A little more insistently.) 

> Daria, can I _please_ come in? 

** DARIA **  


(A little distracted by the changes in her surroundings.) 

> Huh? What? Yeah, sure, Quinn, come on in. I could use some answers. 

CUT TO WS of DARIA'S ROOM. The door flings open, and a bedraggled, bespectacled QUINN rushes into the room and hastily genuflects before DARIA on the bear-skin rug. QUINN'S hair is disheveled (kind of a wad of hair just plopped on and pulled back in a ragged bun), she is wearing a drab gray coverall-- with a v-neck and a black shirt underneath (old "Star Trek" style, of course), no makeup, and a pair of thick-rimmed coke-bottle glasses. 

** QUINN **  


(Beseeching.) 

> Please accept my apologies for disturbing your rest, but Dad wants a word with you before he leaves for work. 

** DARIA **  


> Quinn, what's wrong with you? Get up. Did you redecorate my bedroom in the "Lothar of the Hill People" style? 

(Beat. QUINN doesn't respond.) 

> Quinn? 

QUINN looks up. 

** QUINN **  


(Confused and concerned.) 

> I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about this Lothar person of which you speak. 

DARIA closes her eyes, trying to be patient. 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs.) 

> Why am I in this ridiculous outfit? 

** QUINN **  


(Confused.) 

> What ridiculous outfit? That's your uniform. 

** DARIA **  


> Uniform? Quinn, what are you talking about? And what's going on here? Is this your idea of a stupid joke? 

** QUINN **  


(Still confused.) 

> I'm sorry, Daria, I just don't know what you're talking about! Everything is just as it normally is. What's wrong? 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs in frustration. Puts a hand to her forehead.) 

> Never mind. Let's just go and see what Dad wants. I'm already getting a headache. Might as well make it worse. 

DARIA gets up from the bed and starts to head towards the door. 

** QUINN **  


> Wait! You almost forgot your Agonizer! 

QUINN points to a small golden rod on the nightstand. 

** DARIA **  


> My what? 

** QUINN **  


> Your Agonizer. Dad would kill us if you forgot it! 

** DARIA **  


> Quinn, what are you talking about? 

** QUINN **  


> Daria, how could you forget? Whenever you're outside the house, you've got to have your Agonizer with you. You can't ever forget Dad's position, and how his rivals would love to make an example of his eldest daughter who had forgotten such a basic security rule. 

** DARIA **  


(Thinks fast.) 

> Uh, yeah, you're right. Good thinking, Quinn. I'm just feeling a little light-headed this morning. 

(To herself.) 

> What the hell is going on here? 

(Out Loud.) 

> Well, let's go see what Dad wants. 

(To herself.) 

> Thank God I've seen some bad sci-fi, or I'd be dead already. 

INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN - MORNING - A FEW MINUTES LATER. 

WS of KITCHEN POV BACK WALL (BEHIND TABLE.) JAKE is obscured by a newspaper that he is reading. HELEN is wearing a 50's-period house dress, apron, pearls, a Jackie-O hair style (or 50's Mary Tyler Moore), and a vacant stare. She is frying something in a skillet. DARIA, followed by QUINN, enters from the LIVING ROOM. DARIA now has her Agonizer on her right hip. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Play it cool, Morgendorffer, play it cool. 

(Out Loud, to JAKE.) 

> Uh, Dad, you wanted to see me? 

CUT TO CU of JAKE (still behind newspaper). JAKE lowers the newspaper. He is wearing a black leather vest, similar to DARIA'S, with gold trim, a gold belt, and a similar decal over the left breast. (The lightning bolt/planet thing.) He also has quite a few medals scattered over his right breast at odd angles. JAKE now has a short Fu-Manchu-type beard (think Spock in "Mirror, Mirror"), and a weird look in his eyes ... almost resembling intelligence. But not quite. 

** JAKE **  


(Cheerful. Claps DARIA on the shoulder.) 

> Ah, good morning Daria! How are you this fine day? 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JAKE at the TABLE, POV SIDE WALL. DARIA'S eyes look a little bit big, as she doesn't recognize this particular JAKE. 

** DARIA **  


(Cautiously.) 

> Uh, actually I'm feeling a little light-headed, Dad. 

** JAKE **  


(Still cheerful.) 

> Well, I hope it won't interfere with your duties today! I wanted to remind you that the security grid needs its weekly maintenance! We can't let our enemies get a foothold! And don't forget to recharge the guns! Especially the big ones! 

** DARIA **  


(A little shell-shocked from the whole thing.) 

> Uh, sure. 

CUT TO CU HELEN. 

** HELEN **  


(In a bubbly voice.) 

> Daria, your breakfast is ready! 

CUT TO MS KITCHEN, POV BACK WALL. 

** DARIA **  


> Oh, uh, thanks, Mom. 

DARIA moves to sit down at her usual seat. QUINN intercepts her and pulls out her chair for DARIA, and holds it as DARIA sits down, still unnerved. QUINN then stands behind DARIA'S chair attentively. 

HELEN swirls around and presents DARIA with a covered plate with a flourish. 

CUT TO XCU PLATE. With another flourish, HELEN removes the lid, revealing a breakfast consisting of actual breakfast foods-- namely two eggs, sunny-side up and a bacon smile. 

CUT TO CU DARIA. 

** DARIA **  


(Stunned.) 

> Wow, this looks great, Mom. Thanks. 

(To herself.) 

> I can't believe it. Mom actually cooking? What sort of place is this? 

CUT TO MS KITCHEN, POV BACK WALL. 

** HELEN **  


(Still disturbingly bubbly.) 

> Well, in spite of my limitations, I serve as best as I can! 

CUT TO CU JAKE. 

** JAKE **  


(Finishes off his coffee. In a kind of crazy, cheerful voice.) 

> Well, I'd better go and make sure that the workers have already started their shifts, or else the beatings will have to continue! Delicious coffee, Helen! You serve us all well. And as you serve us, you serve the Imperium! 

CUT TO WS KITCHEN, POV BACK WALL. 

JAKE kisses HELEN in a Ward Cleaver sort of way and heads out the side door. HELEN heads over to the sink and starts hand-washing a dish. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and QUINN. QUINN still hovers attentively behind DARIA. DARIA makes a small gesture to QUINN to come closer. 

** DARIA **  


(In a low voice, so as not to be overheard.) 

> Quinn, what's with Mom? 

** QUINN **  


(Confused.) 

> What do you mean? She's no different than usual. 

** DARIA **  


(In an undertone.) 

> That's not what I meant. I want to know if she's always been like that, or is it a recent thing? 

** QUINN **  


(In an undertone.) 

> She's been that way ever since she took a blow to the head in a fight with an agent of one of our enemies. It's been at least five years since she lost her wits, but still she serves the family as best as she can. 

CUT TO MS KITCHEN, POV BACK WALL. HELEN puts down the plate she's been repetitively hand-washing and turns to DARIA and QUINN. 

** HELEN **  


(Bubbly.) 

> Are you kids finished with breakfast yet? I'd like to get a head start on my cleaning, and maybe even start working on dinner! 

** DARIA **  


> Give us just another minute, Mom. 

** HELEN **  


> Sure, sweetie, take as long as you want. Just remember, you have to be at the educational facility in 30 minutes! 

HELEN goes back to hand washing the same plate, humming tunelessly. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and QUINN. 

** DARIA **  


> Ok, now what's with Dad? 

** QUINN **  


> What do you mean? 

** DARIA **  


> Look, just pretend that I don't know what's going on. Consider it a test of some sort. 

** QUINN **  


(Excited. Claps hands together.) 

> Oh, goody! I love tests! 

DARIA sighs. 

** DARIA **  


> Quinn, what is it with Dad? 

** QUINN **  


> Dad's no different either. He's still the Executive Administrator for all of the dilithium mines for this Imperial District. 

DARIA tries to let it all just sink in for a moment. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Dilithium? Oh, God. Just what I need. Trapped in a Star Trek universe. Great. 

(Out loud.) 

> Quinn, what are you doing today? 

** QUINN **  


(Surprised.) 

> Well, normally I carry your books to the facility and wait on you, should you need it. 

** DARIA **  


> Good. 

(To herself.) 

> I could almost get to like Quinn this way. 

(Out loud to QUINN.) 

> Let's get going, then. 

** QUINN **  


(Shocked.) 

> Wait! You can't forget to take any weapons with you! Our enemies are everywhere! 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> I should've seen that one coming. 

(Out loud.) 

> Okay, which weapon would you recommend? 

ZOOM IN on QUINN as she tilts her head slightly upward, places her index finger on her chin, and starts thinking. 

** QUINN **  


(Goes into Fashion Club mode.) 

> Well, ordinarily I'd say the one-handed spiked flail, but flails are sooo _over_. There's always the mace, which you're really good at, but maces are a bit too klunky ... Hm ... (Beat.) (Smiles.) A black leather bullwhip and a long saw-edged dagger would be just perfect with that outfit. 

FINISH ZOOM. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and QUINN. 

** DARIA **  


> Okay, whatever. Let's get 'em and get out of here. 

** QUINN **  


(Sighs. In a dreamy sort of voice.) 

> I hope one day I might be allowed to carry a small dagger of my very own. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> I just hope nobody tries to take me out on the walk to school. (Beat.) Oh, no -- if I'm here, then who, or what _is_ taking my place in Lawndale? Well, if the other me here is a barbarian then that means ... oh, God. Like I _need_ this. 

INT. MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN (NORMAL UNIVERSE.) - MORNING. 

MS of KITCHEN, POV BACK WALL. The OTHER DARIA and QUINN are seated at the table, in the middle of a heated argument. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Mad.) 

> And what the hell did you do to my room? It looks like a holding cell for a freak! 

** QUINN **  


> Jeez, Daria, what _are_ you talking about? Your room's always looked that. Don't blame me for your lack of good taste and style. Besides, if the shoe fits... 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Getting Madder.) 

> And what did you do to my uniform? And weapons? Have you forgotten all of your duties to me? 

** QUINN **  


> Daria, what are you babbling about? I haven't the slightest clue as to what you're talking about, and frankly I couldn't care less. I've got a Fashion Club meeting to get to, and your problems don't interest me in the slightest. 

As QUINN gets up to leave, the OTHER DARIA jumps up and grabs QUINN, tackling her as HELEN walks into the room. (Add Star Trek fight music as OTHER DARIA jumps up -- you know... Da da daa-daa-daa-daa da dada da da .... FADE OUT MUSIC as HELEN starts speaking.) 

MS ZOOMS OUT TO WS. HELEN enters through the Living Room Entry of the KITCHEN. 

CUT TO XCU HELEN. 

** HELEN **  


> Daria! Quinn! What the _hell_ is going on here? Daria! Get off of your sister at ONCE! 

CUT TO MS of HELEN, OTHER DARIA, and QUINN. HELEN drags the still-struggling OTHER DARIA off of QUINN. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


> Stop it! Let me go! What's wrong with you people? 

CUT TO CU QUINN, who is lying on the floor, looking slightly dishevelled. 

** QUINN **  


> Do something with her, Mom, she's been acting like a freak all morning! Demanding all kinds of weird things. 

CUT BACK TO MS. 

** HELEN **  


> Quiet! Both of you! Quinn, stop calling your sister names. And Daria, what do you have to say for your actions? 

** OTHER DARIA **  


> I have no reason to have to defend any of my actions. Quinn was being insubordinate. (Looks angrily at QUINN.) I was merely trying to correct her insolent behavior, since my Agonizer has mysteriously disappeared. 

** HELEN **  


> Daria, you have no excuse to be acting in such a manner. When you get back from school, I want you to go straight to your room. You're grounded for the weekend, young lady. 

** QUINN **  


> Ha! Serves you right. 

OTHER DARIA starts to struggle in HELEN'S grip as she starts to go after QUINN. 

** HELEN **  


> That goes for you, too, Quinn. Until both of you can learn to control yourselves and act your age, I expect you to spend the weekend thinking about your actions. 

** QUINN **  


> What!?! That's not fair!!! 

OTHER DARIA relaxes and grins, HELEN releases her. OTHER DARIA walks towards the door and stops beside QUINN. 

** HELEN **  


> I mean it. Both of you. I'm going to schedule a counseling session for the both of you on Monday, and we'll straighten this out once and for all. Now, let's going before we're all late. 

HELEN heads out the door on her way to work. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Laughing. Claps QUINN on the shoulder.) 

> Ah, Quinn, I've taught you well, you deceitful little monster! Already angling for my rank, are you? Well, we'll just see what sort of game you want to play, but I'll warn you, I'm much better than you are. Much better. (Chuckles in a menacing kind of way.) 

OTHER DARIA turns and walks out of frame on her way to school. 

CUT TO CU of QUINN, who stands there for a minute, and looks slightly unnerved by the change in OTHER DARIA'S demeanor. 

FADE OUT. 

CUT TO SLO-MO of QUINN bowing down before DARIA as bumper music plays "Flagpolesitta" by Harvey Danger, at the line "I had visions/I was in them/I was looking into the mirror/to see a little bit clearer/the rottenness and evil in me..." 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. (Sell Agonizers here, or Clearasil, depending on which universe you're in.)   
  
  
  


Act II. 

FADE IN: 

EXT. THE SIDEWALK BY THE EDUCATIONAL FACILITY - MORNING - A FEW MINUTES LATER. 

WS of DARIA and QUINN walking towards IMPERIUM EDUCATIONAL FACILITY #973 (Known in other universes as Lawndale High School, among other names) POV STREET-- FOLLOWING SHOT. QUINN follows DARIA at a respectable two paces behind her, carrying her sister's books, as well as her own. DARIA has the bullwhip coiled over her left shoulder, and the dagger is also on her left hip. 

ZOOM IN TO SIGN OUT IN FRONT. The sign reads "IMPERIUM EDUCATIONAL FACILITY #973. 'Knowledge without strength is useless.'" 

CUT TO MS of SCHOOL ENTRANCE. DARIA and QUINN walk in the doors. 

INT. HALL LOCKERS. MORNING. A FEW SECONDS LATER. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and QUINN, POV OPPOSITE SIDE, in front of DARIA'S locker. DARIA spins the combination, and the lock opens. 

** DARIA **  


(Mumbles to herself.) 

> Now, what are the odds of _that_ happening? 

DARIA pulls the locker door wide open. 

** DARIA (CONT'D.) **  


(TO QUINN.) 

> Go ahead and set my books in there, then you can go on and go to class. 

** QUINN **  


> Are you sure you won't need anything? 

** DARIA **  


> Yes, Quinn, I'm sure. If I ever need you, believe me, you'll be the first to know. 

QUINN puts the books in DARIA'S locker and leaves. DARIA reaches into her locker to grab a book as a student who looks remarkably like JANE approaches DARIA. She looks like JANE, except for some streaks of red and orange in her hair, and she is wearing a similar leather outfit (red vest, black shirt, black pants, of course) and silver belt, except this JANE carries a scimitar and a similarly nasty dagger at her sides. 

** DARIA **  


(Suspiciously.) 

> Hey. 

** JANE **  


(Angry.) 

> Don't give me that, Ice! Where the hell were you this morning? 

** DARIA **  


(Confused.) 

> Ice? What do you mean? 

** JANE **  


> Did you forget our little "debate" we had scheduled with the students representing Facility #974? I had to fight both of them off by myself! One of them even put a nick in my scimitar blade! Administrator Li and Coach O'Neill were _not_ amused, either. It was our turn to uphold the honor of our Facility! 

** DARIA **  


(In a low voice.) 

> Look, Jane, I'm -- 

** JANE **  


(Interrupts DARIA, even angrier now.) 

> WHAT did you call me? You know damn well that I haven't gone by that name since I was promoted to my current rank! It's almost as if you're someone else today. 

** DARIA **  


(In a low voice.) 

> That's what I'm trying to tell you. 

** JANE **  


(Confused.) 

> What do you mean? 

** DARIA **  


> Look, uh, (gropes for whatever Jane calls herself now...) 

** JANE **  


> _Fire._ I've been going by Fire for the last year, just as you go by Ice. We're teammates, _remember_? 

(Starts getting irritated again.) 

> It was your stupid idea, anyway. (Beat.) We've fought battles together for the past year, and you don't even remember what to call me? What the hell's the matter with you? 

** DARIA **  


> Look, uh, Fire, we need to talk someplace private. I mean _real_ private. What I've got to tell you will probably shock you a little, but I need to tell someone, and, frankly, you're the only person I've met so far today that seems even slightly like themself. 

** JANE **  


(Changes mood -- suddenly very serious and very quiet.) 

> Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? We'll talk in the Combat Video Analysis Room, over there. 

JANE points down the hall. 

CUT TO CU of DOOR, with a sign saying "Combat Skills Class, 3:30 pm." 

EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH - DAY. 

WS of the front of the building. A bell rings, a locker door slams. Someone is yelling in a sort of savage battle cry. 

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - LOCKERS - DAY. 

MS of the OTHER DARIA, who is beating UPCHUCK with a book repeatedly. Apparently she's the one uttering the battle cry. A crowd of OTHER STUDENTS looks on in stunned amazement. 

MUSIC: The good ol' reliable Star Trek fight music. Hum it to yourself during this scene. Again. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Yells, and punctuates each yell with a whack.) 

> You worm! You weasel! How DARE you even THINK of touching me? Do you know who I am? What I can have _done_ to you? Let alone what I _should_ do to you? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Punctuates each blow with:) 

> Ow! 

MS. LI and MR. DeMARTINO enter from the LEFT, and attempt to pull the OTHER DARIA off of UPCHUCK. 

** MS. LI **  


(Struggling.) 

> Ms. Morgendorffer! Stop it this instant! (Beat.) Ms. Morgendorffer! 

MS. LI and MR. DeMARTINO pull the struggling OTHER DARIA off of UPCHUCK and carry her away OS, kicking and screaming the whole time. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Yelling furiously.) 

> Ruttheimer, I will make you pay for this indignity! Again, and again! You will regret the very day you were born, you little maggot! Count yourself extremely lucky that I don't have a Pain Amplifier handy, you little piece of garbage! (Beat.) What's wrong with you people? Can't you see I was only avenging my honor as the law allows? What sort of people _are_ you?

** MS. LI **  


(Still struggling with the OTHER DARIA.) 

> Ms. Morgendorffer, we'll just see what your parents think of this sort of behavior! 

The fight music fades. 

The students gathered around look slightly surprised about the whole thing, look at each other, shrug, and disperse. 

INT. COMBAT VIDEO ANALYSIS ROOM (OTHER UNIVERSE)- MORNING - SAME DAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER. 

WS of CVA ROOM, POV BACK WALL. The CVA ROOM looks exactly like MR. O'NEILL'S room, except the ubiquitous planet/lightning bolt thingy is all over the walls, as are posters with sayings such as "The only good enemy is a dead enemy." "Don't turn your back on a battle, unless you would have an enemy plunge a knife into it." "Maybe you can, maybe you can't. It's all a question of how much you desire to get that next promotion." And, "If you love something, kill it before it makes you weak, or turn it into a weapon to use against your enemies." On the board are some notes from COACH O'NEILL'S classes, saying things like, "Direct thrust upward, under the ribs, right to the heart," "Groin kick followed by blow behind the head," "Quick kill = Safe kill," and "Battle Strategies-- whom to kill first? Your enemies in battle, or your rivals in your own unit? Never overlook an opportunity for glory, but also never overlook an opportunity for a quick promotion." To one side of the room is a case full of old combat videos and a TV set on a cart. 

DARIA and JANE enter the room. JANE closes the door behind her. 

CUT TO CU of JANE and DARIA. 

** JANE **  


> Okay, out with it. 

** DARIA **  


> Okay, this is going to sound really strange, but I don't belong here. 

** JANE **  


> Come on, Ice, don't give me that touchy-feely crap. You're one of the best in combat. You've got a natural gift for hand-to-hand combat, and you're an ace with the bullwhip. You belong here more than anyone else does. 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs.) 

> That's not what I mean. (Beat.) J-- Fire, how long have we been friends? 

** JANE **  


> For about a year-- ever since your family moved into this district. But you're the only other person in this dump that I'd trust with my life in combat. (Snorts.) In fact, you're probably one of the few people that I'd trust enough to turn my back to. 

** DARIA **  


> What if I told you that I'm not the Daria-- Ice that you know, but another one that somehow got switched with the one you _do_ know? 

** JANE **  


(Laughs humorlessly.) 

> I'd think maybe you'd taken one blow too many to the head. (Beat.) You're serious, aren't you? 

** DARIA **  


> Never more in my life. Something fishy's going on here. Where I come from, there is no Imperium, no rankings, no Agonizers, none of it. Until 7AM, I'd never even heard of the Imperium, or, well, any of this. (Sweeps arm around.) 

** JANE **  


> Hm. (Thinks.) You know, if anyone else said that, I'd say that they're crazy, but I've trusted you--or, rather the other you--so many times with my life that I'll indulge you this fantasy. 

(Gets angry.) 

> But if this is some kind of trick, so help me... 

** DARIA **  


> Fire, believe me, this is no trick. I don't play tricks on my friends. I wish it was all a bad trick, but it isn't. I need your help, and I need it badly, because I'm telling you, _I don't belong here_. I don't know how I got here, or how to get back-- all I know is that I've got to get out of here before someone else figures out who I really am and skewers me with some of the many various sharp objects I've seen strewn all around this place. 

** JANE **  


> Okay, okay. I believe you. I guess we'd better talk to Brittany and see if she can help us out. 

** DARIA **  


(Surprised.) 

> Brittany? What can she do, besides twirl her hair and look vacant? 

** JANE **  


> She may not be allowed to carry weapons yet, but she's going to be one hell of a physicist one day. Unfortunately it'll have to wait until we can get sprung out of here. But I think events will take care of themselves in just a few minutes, anyway. 

(Beat. Grins.) 

> Besides, DeMartino gives me a headache. (Beat.) Hey, I just had a thought-- if you're here, where's Ice? 

** DARIA **  


(Grimaces.) 

> I think I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now. But I will probably have to clean up one hell of a mess if I can get out of here. 

EXT. FACILITY #973 - SAME DAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER. 

WS of FRONT of the FACILITY. A rather sour-sounding gong rings. 

INT. MR. DeMARTINO'S CLASSROOM. SAME DAY. 3 SECONDS LATER. Unsurprisingly, nothing has changed from universe to universe. 

MS of CLASSROOM, POV BACK WALL. MR. DeMARTINO is lecturing the class in his usual borderline style. He is wearing a similar outfit to the one that most of the higher-ranking teachers wear, with a few medals placed at odd angles on the right, and a wide gold-colored belt across his waist. On his desk is a cat-o-nine tails and, of course, an Agonizer. (Even though he doesn't really need it.) While MR. DeMARTINO does not have a Fu Manchu-style beard, he does have a rather nasty scar on his left cheek. 

** DeMARTINO **  


> Now, class, we will discuss the origins of the Imperium after the collapse of so-called MODERN society in the old year 1929. Can anyone elaborate on the reason why the previous prevailing societal paradigm failed? (Beat. Silence.) Kevin? 

CUT TO CU of KEVIN. KEVIN is wearing a similar-style dingy coverall to QUINN and other unranked students. He looks generally unkempt and put-upon by his superiors. 

** KEVIN **  


(Cheerfully.) 

> Oh, that's simple, Mr. D! The old leaders were unfit to rule, as they were unable to defend themselves from their own laziness and stupidity! With the Imperium, the laissez-faire attitude towards personal safety changed. Now that any enemy can plunge a knife in your chest, you must become more aware of your personal development. Those who are good at it prosper and so do future generations! 

CUT TO CU of DARIA, who is surprised that KEVIN can actually string a few thoughts together. Hold for a second then... 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JANE. 

JANE leans over towards DARIA. 

** JANE **  


(In a low voice.) 

> Brown-noser. He still won't move up until he can actually beat someone in combat. And at this rate, that'll be about the same time I've got my promotion to general. 

CUT TO MS of MR. DeMARTINO'S ROOM, POV BACK WALL. The loudspeaker over the door is activated. 

** ADMINISTRATOR LI **  


(OS.) 

> Instructor DeMartino, please send Ms. Lane and Ms. Morgendorffer to my office. At once. 

CUT TO MS of MR. DeMARTINO. 

** DeMARTINO **  


> Right away, Administrator Li. 

(Beat. Looks at DARIA and JANE.) 

> Ladies? 

INT. HALLWAY - DAY - A FEW SECONDS LATER. 

MS of DARIA and JANE walking down the hall, POV FACING THEM. 

** DARIA **  


(In an undertone.) 

> Okay, why does she want us? 

** JANE **  


> Remember the debate this morning? 

** DARIA **  


> Oh. That. What do we do? 

** JANE **  


> Don't worry, I'll handle it. Remember what I said about things taking care of themselves? Just act like you've injured yourself, and we'll get out of here. We'll commandeer Brittany to carry our stuff for us, and get her working on straightening things out. 

** DARIA **  


> Got it. I'll just say I took a blow to the head in a practice and I'm feeling ill. At least I won't have to fake that. My head's been spinning since I woke up. 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> If you just keep looking like you've been looking all morning, that should do the trick. 

CUT TO MS of ADMINISTRATOR LI'S OFFICE DOOR, POV BEHIND DARIA and JANE. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and JANE, POV DARIA'S SIDE. JANE turns to DARIA. 

** JANE (CONT'D.) **  


> Well, here goes nothing. 

JANE knocks on the door. 

INT. ADMINISTRATOR LI'S OFFICE - DAY - A SECOND OR TWO EARLIER. 

WS of ADMINISTRATOR LI, sitting behind her desk, and COACH O'NEILL, standing to the left and behind her, POV ABOVE THE DOOR. The OFFICE is full of all sorts of nasty-looking devices, such as swords, knives, and other nasty big pointy things with hooks and such on them, as well as a high-powered Agonizer on top of her desk. There aren't any chairs in front of the desk, but rather a small rickety uncomfortable wooden bench. ADMINISTRATOR LI is writing up some sort of a report. She wears a similar uniform to MR. DeMARTINO'S, only with much larger medals on it, and the edges of the uniform have gold trim. COACH O'NEILL stands behind her, arms folded, with a scowl on his face, which appears unusual because he wears an eyepatch over his left eye. His uniform is blood red, and a rather large katana hangs from his golden sash. COACH O'NEILL is also conspicuous in that he is heavily-muscled, and highly-decorated. Someone knocks at the door. 

** ADMINISTRATOR LI **  


> Enter! 

CUT TO MS of OFFICE DOOR, POV DESK. DARIA and JANE walk in and stand before the desk. 

JANE salutes ADMINISTRATOR LI and COACH O'NEILL in the same right hand straight out, palm slightly down, left hand grabbing the inside upper arm style as in "Mirror, Mirror," the ST ep. DARIA mimics JANE'S salute. 

** JANE **  


> You wished to see us, Administrator? 

CUT TO CU of ADMINISTRATOR LI 

** ADMINISTRATOR LI **  


(Frowns.) 

> Yes. (Beat.) Ms. Morgendorffer, I understand that you did not appear at the challenge this morning against Facility #974. Would you please explain your absence to me and to Coach O'Neill? 

CUT TO CU of DARIA 

** DARIA **  


(Sounds a little light-headed and woozy.) 

> Yes, ma'am. I apparently took a rather nasty blow to the head in an unscheduled practice yesterday, but I don't remember anything prior to when I woke up this morning. I've been feeling a little dizzy and disoriented ever since. 

DARIA puts her hand to her head. 

CUT TO MS of all four, POV FRONT CORNER of ROOM. 

** COACH O'NEILL **  


(Frowns in thought.) 

> Ordinarily, Administrator Li, I'd recommend corporal punishment for failing to attend a required activity, as well as water rations for a week. 

(Beat.) (DARIA'S eyes get a little big.) 

> However, since Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane have frequently distinguished themselves and this facility, I recommend granting Ms. Morgendorffer a reprieve. (Pauses meaningfully, scowls.) This time. 

CUT TO CU of ADMINISTRATOR LI and COACH O'NEILL. 

** ADMINISTRATOR LI **  


(Considers it.) 

> All right, that sounds fair enough. We need our best and brightest to be at their peak combat readiness. Ms. Morgendorffer, take the rest of the day off and get some treatment for your head injury. Ms. Lane, accompany her and make sure she gets herself taken care of. We don't need any heroics, Ms. Morgendorffer -- at least not today. By the way, Ms. Lane, excellent technique on those two from Facility #974. You acquitted yourself very well and brought great honor to Facility #973. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JANE, POV DESK. 

** JANE **  


> Thank you, Administrator Li, Coach O'Neill. We will not let you down. Coach O'Neill, may we borrow Brittany to help carry our equipment home? 

CUT TO CU of COACH O'NEILL, who ponders the request. 

** COACH O'NEILL **  


> Okay, I'll allow that. She needs to improve her combat development so that she may eventually improve enough to join an appropriate unit. The Imperium needs her budding intellectual gifts, and you two are excellent role models for her to follow. (Beat.) I expect you to behave accordingly. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JANE. 

JANE straightens up to a sort of attention. DARIA looks out the corner of her eye and follows JANE'S lead. 

** JANE **  


> Yes, Sir, Ma'am. We won't let you down. 

CUT TO CU of ADMINISTRATOR LI. 

** ADMINISTRATOR LI **  


> Well, I would expect no less from two of the most highly-decorated and high-ranking students at Facility #973. 

CUT TO XCU of DARIA, who looks surprised at her sudden popularity. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Great. So while I'm praised for intelligence in Lawndale, here I'm praised for kicking butt and being brutal. Wonderful. I can see the carnage back home now. 

DARIA winces. 

EXT. A SIDEWALK IN LAWNDALE - LATE MORNING - A LITTLE WHILE LATER. 

MS of DARIA, JANE, and BRITTANY, POV STREET. (Almost a profile shot.) BRITTANY walks a respectable two paces behind them. Brittany wears a coverall like all of the other non-ranked students, and has a pocket protector full of pens, but other than that, she hasn't changed much in appearance. 

** JANE **  


> Brittany! 

** BRITTANY **  


> Yes, ma'am! 

** JANE **  


> Brittany, we need to use your talents to solve a very serious problem. 

** BRITTANY **  


> Yes, ma'am? 

** JANE **  


> Brittany, what do you know about parallel universes? 

** BRITTANY **  


> I do have an understanding of all of the basic relevant theories. The current theory is that by focusing a large amount of ionic energy into a properly-designed matrix, a local disruption in space-time can be forged. With proper adjustments to the energy field, one could conceivably manipulate space-time enough to leave their universe of origin and enter one of many parallel universes. 

** DARIA **  


> Okay, but how would you know how to get back to your proper universe of origin? 

** BRITTANY **  


> Oh, it's simple. You just set the device to match the resonance frequencies of the strings that comprise your subatomic particles with the resonance frequencies of the universe you need to get to. Since each universe has its own unique resonance frequencies, you just have to match 'em up! 

** JANE **  


> And what would happen if your strings didn't resonate at the right frequency? 

** BRITTANY **  


> Well, that's tough to predict. It all depends on how great the dissonance is. I would guess that after a while, your strings would eventually match the strings of the universe you're in, but until then, I'd bet that you'd feel pretty lousy. 

** DARIA **  


> That at least explains that. 

** JANE **  


> Yeah, but Brittany, what happens when your strings match the dominant resonance frequency? 

** BRITTANY **  


> Wow, then I guess that'd make finding your home universe impossible. 

** DARIA **  


> Ok, Brittany, how long would it take for the strings to match the surrounding resonance frequency? 

** BRITTANY **  


(Lost in thought. Twirls her hair around her little finger.) 

> Hm. (Beat.) I'd guess about 3 days. But maybe less if the person were to eat the food in the other universe. As the body takes in new nutrients, it'd incorporate the new strings as well. So that person'd better not eat. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and JANE, POV FRONT. Both look concerned. 

DARIA looks at JANE. 

** DARIA **  


> Great. Now I've got to fast as well. 

** JANE **  


> Better start practicing with that bullwhip-- hedge your bets. 

DARIA scowls at JANE. 

** DARIA **  


> Thanks for the encouragement. 

** JANE **  


> Hey, I'm just lookin' out for you. In case you haven't noticed, this is a rough place. You'd better develop some combat skills in a hurry. 

(Smirks.) 

> Especially if Ruttheimer finds out you're not as skilled with that whip as you usually are. 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs.) 

> Damn, you mean there's an Upchuck in this universe, too? 

** JANE **  


> Daria, there's an Upchuck in _every_ universe. 

CUT BACK TO MS SIDE. 

JANE turns around to face BRITTANY. 

** JANE (CONT'D.) **  


> Brittany, we've got a job for you. Clear the next few days on your calendar, and take us to your workshop. 

** BRITTANY **  


(Excited.) 

> Yay! I love a challenge! What do you want me to do, ma'am? 

** JANE **  


> First, let's get to your workshop, then we'll talk. 

INT. BRITTANY'S WORKSHOP - DAY - A LITTLE WHILE LATER. 

MS of BRITTANY'S WORKSHOP. It's a small room, crammed full of all sorts of electronic junk-- an electronic nerd's paradise, and the place where BRITTANY can get some time alone to ponder cutting-edge quantum mechanics theories. ('Cause sometimes a girl just has to have some time alone to ponder cutting-edge quantum mechanics theories.) DARIA, JANE, and BRITTANY are in the room, sitting on stools. 

** BRITTANY **  


> So, you don't remember how you got here? 

** DARIA **  


> Nope. No idea. 

** BRITTANY **  


> Hm. 

BRITTANY picks up an instrument from a pile on a bench behind her. Scans it over DARIA. It beeps and whirs. 

** BRITTANY (CONT'D.)**  


> Wow! You're not kidding! Your frequencies are way out of step with everyone else's! 

** DARIA **  


> You sound like my sister. 

** BRITTANY & JANE **  


(Together.) 

> Huh? 

** DARIA **  


> Never mind. I guess you had to be from my universe to get that one. Okay, now what? 

** BRITTANY **  


(Thoughtfully.) 

> Well, first I'll need to find a way to rip open space-time. Then I'll have to find a way to access the other universes. And then I'll need a power source. A really good power source. I think I have all the parts I need. What I don't have is something with enough power to generate all of the necessary fields. 

** JANE **  


> Well, what sort of power are we talking about? 

** BRITTANY **  


> I need a lot of power in a small package. (Hesitates.) Um, sort of like the power supply used in a portable Agonizer. 

** JANE **  


(Surprised.) 

> What? Brittany, do you know what you're asking us to do? 

** DARIA **  


> I don't. What is she asking us to do? 

** JANE **  


> Break about ten or so laws. Some of which are punishable by death, or worse. 

** DARIA **  


> I know I'll regret asking this, but what could be worse than death? 

** JANE **  


> Remember how I told you that this was a harsh society? 

** DARIA **  


> Yeah. 

** JANE **  


> Just use your imagination. Believe me, it can get _real_ ugly. 

** BRITTANY **  


> But I have another alternative! 

** JANE **  


> Well, why didn't you say so? What is it? 

** BRITTANY **  


> There's always Ruttheimer Manufacturing... 

** JANE **  


> But they only make flashlights. 

** BRITTANY **  


> That's not what I hear. I hear that they also make power supplies for various small, hand-held devices... devices we're not supposed to know about... 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> You mean like the next generation of Agonizers, Flash-lasers, and Disruptors? Upchuck tries that tired old line out on all of the women around here. 

(Imitates UPCHUCK.) 

> "Would you like to see the next generation of armaments, fair maiden?"

** BRITTANY **  


> Well, actually, for once it's true. If you could get a prototype from him, I could use it to power a device to get Daria back. 

** JANE **  


> Can you do it in two days? 

** BRITTANY **  


(In her perky cheerleader voice.) 

> Sure! 

** DARIA **  


> Great. Now who has to go to Upchuck's? 

BRITTANY and JANE look at each other, shrug, turn and both point at DARIA. 

** DARIA (CONT'D.) **  


> That figures. (To JANE.) Well, you were right about one thing. 

** JANE **  


> What? 

** DARIA **  


> There _are_ some punishments worse than death. (Beat.) Do you at least have a plan? 

** JANE **  


(Smiles.) 

> Of course I do. _You_ probably won't like it, though. 

** DARIA **  


> Do I have any choice? 

** JANE **  


> Not if you can't master the bullwhip in two days. 

** DARIA **  


> Great. What's the plan? 

** JANE **  


> It goes a little like this... 

FADE OUT. 

CUT TO SLO-MO of OTHER DARIA beating UPCHUCK with a BOOK to the music of "Space Lord," by Monster Magnet, at the lyric, "I left my throne a million miles away..." (Or "Space Oddity," by David Bowie. Either one would work.) 

COMMERCIAL BREAK. (Sell, sell, sell!)   
  
  
  
  


Act III. 

FADE IN: 

INT. EDUCATIONAL FACILITY #973 - HALLWAY - NEXT MORNING. 

MS of JANE at LOCKERS, POV ACROSS THE HALL. JANE is standing at her locker, getting out her books for her next class. UPCHUCK approaches from the LEFT. UPCHUCK is wearing a similar leather outfit to all of the other higher-ranking students, with a few small medals. His short sword hangs from his belt. And, of course, UPCHUCK has the Fu-Manchu beard going on as well, but it looks a little weedy. 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Cheesy voice.) 

> Good Morrrrning, Fire. How feisty are we feeling today? 

JANE doesn't look at UPCHUCK-- instead she is straightening up her locker. 

** JANE **  


> Upchuck, do you enjoy breathing? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Uh, yes. 

** JANE **  


> Then move back about ten paces, or I'll make you eat these books. 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Rrrowrr! Feisty! (Moves back a little from JANE.) Have you seen Ice of late? 

** JANE **  


> She's recovering from a head injury. Can't remember anything from the last year and a half. She doesn't even recognize me. Apparently her judgment's been impaired, but otherwise, she's fine. It's a shame, really. The medical staff thinks she'll probably recover in a couple of days, but they're not sure. 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Rreeally? (Beat.) Well, send your chilly friend my warmest regards. 

** JANE **  


> Uh-huh. 

JANE looks at UPCHUCK, and wields a book threateningly. 

** JANE (CONT'D.) **  


(Angrily.) 

> What did I tell you about ten paces? 

UPCHUCK hastily gets out of the way and leaves as JANE throws a book at him. JANE smiles to herself. 

** JANE **  


> The trap is baited. 

INT. MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM - SAME MORNING - A LITTLE WHILE LATER. 

MS of the COUCH, POV TV. DARIA is seated on the couch, channel surfing. DARIA looks very bored. 

CUT XCU TV. 

** SSW ANNOUNCER **  


(OS) 

> Blah, blah, blah, weirdos, blah, blah, blah, next on Sick, Sad World. 

CUT TO MS of the COUCH. 

** DARIA **  


> That's pathetic. You'd think they'd at least _try_ to think up something. 

The cordless phone rings. DARIA picks it up. 

** DARIA **  


> Hello? 

SLIDE IN MS of JANE at FACILITY #973 on LEFT SIDE of SS with MS of DARIA. JANE is standing at a pay phone. 

** JANE **  


> The bait has been presented to the rat. Are you ready? 

** DARIA **  


> As ready as I'll ever be. 

** JANE **  


> What about your Mom? 

** DARIA **  


> She's cleaning the bathrooms. According to Quinn, she spends a few hours every day cleaning them. I think her injury had something to do with her short-term memory. 

** JANE **  


> Well, her memory loss, our gain. Brittany said to tell you that she'll be ready by late tonight. She wants to do it in your room. 

** DARIA **  


> Why my room? 

** JANE **  


> She figures that the space-time in there is still a little unstable. That way it'll be easier to tear it apart. 

UPCHUCK knocks on the door. 

** DARIA **  


> Well, it looks like the rat has come to get the cheese. 

** JANE **  


> You'll do fine. You've got the phaser?

** DARIA **  


> It's hidden in my vest. 

** JANE **  


> Been practicing with the whip? 

** DARIA **  


> You bet. I don't want him getting too close to me until I'm ready. Although that little perv would probably enjoy a good whipping. Better go now. 

DARIA hangs up the phone. 

SLIDE MS JANE out of SS. 

CUT TO MS DOOR POV DARIA. DARIA walks to the door and opens it, revealing UPCHUCK, wearing his usual cheesy grin. 

** DARIA **  


> Yes? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Ice? 

** DARIA **  


(Pretends not to understand.) 

> I'm sorry, there's no one by that name here. Can I help, you, uh ... 

** UPCHUCK **  


> I am Charles Ruttheimer, at your service, fair lady. (Bows.) Don't you remember that you've been going by the name Ice for the past 9 months? 

** DARIA **  


(Distantly.) 

> Ah, Mr. Ruttheimer, while it is nice to meet you, apparently I don't remember getting that particular name. I go by Daria. Would you like to come inside? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Excited.) 

> But of course, Daria. Have I ever mentioned that that's a sexy name? 

CUT TO WS of LIVING ROOM, POV BACK CORNER. DARIA and UPCHUCK walk towards the two couches. DARIA indicates to UPCHUCK that he should sit down on one of them. 

** DARIA **  


(Still being formal and polite.) 

> As I don't recall ever having met you, I can't say that I've ever heard you say that. Thank you for the compliment, though. Can I get you something to drink? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Pouring on the suaveness.) 

> No, thank you. Please, make yourself comfortable. 

DARIA sits on the other couch. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and UPCHUCK, POV TV. 

** DARIA **  


> Now, why have you come to visit, Mr., uh, Ruttheimer, isn't it? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Please, just Charles will do nicely. I've come to see how you were doing. I'd heard that you'd sustained a head injury, and I was hoping that maybe your memory had returned. 

** DARIA **  


(Slightly disappointed.) 

> Unfortunately, I don't remember anything since yesterday morning, for the past year and a half. Could you please fill me in on what I've missed? Maybe it would help to spark my old memories. 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Moving in for the kill.) 

> But of course, fair maiden. I have an extensive collection of records from the past year back at my house. Would you care to see them? 

** DARIA **  


(Gushing.) 

> I'd love to. It's been so boring and lonely being trapped in here for the past couple of days. 

(To herself.) 

> The rat takes the cheese, and the trap prepares to spring. 

INT. UPCHUCK'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME DAY - A LITTLE WHILE LATER. 

MS of DARIA and UPCHUCK, on the couch looking at a large photo album. DARIA is trying to keep a safe distance from UPCHUCK, but she's not succeeding. 

** DARIA **  


(Uncomfortable.) 

> Uh, wow, Charles, you sure do have a lot of photos of Fire and me. Her name is Fire, right? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> But of course! You two are the feistiest of all of the feisty women of Facility #973. I'm your biggest fan! But then again, who doesn't admire your combat skills? Rrrrowwrr! 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Must ... bite ... tongue ... or else must learn bullwhip. 

(Out loud.) (A little gushy.) 

> Really? Why, thank you Charles! 

** UPCHUCK **  


> You know, I have something I think you'd really like to see. Few people have ever seen it before. 

** DARIA **  


(To herself.) 

> Please, God, let it be the weapon collection! 

(Out loud.) 

> Really? What is it? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Well, my father's company doesn't just make flashlights. They also make certain, shall we say-- special-- toys. Follow me. 

DARIA follows UPCHUCK into the LIBRARY. 

INT. RUTTHEIMER LIBRARY - SAME DAY - A FEW SECONDS LATER. 

CU of DARIA and UPCHUCK, POV BOOKCASE. UPCHUCK reaches up and pulls on a false book, titled "Revenge Made Easy." 

CUT TO CU of BOOKCASE. The front of the bookcase slides in and up, revealing a cache of secret weapons and such, surrounded by a red glow. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and UPCHUCK, POV SLIGHTLY BEHIND THEM at an OBLIQUE. UPCHUCK enters a security code into a keypad, and the glow around the weapons changes to green. 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Behold! The future of the Imperium is before you, toots! 

** DARIA **  


(Feigning being impressed.) 

> Wow! What are they? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(In an offhand manner. Picks up various weapons as he describes them.) 

> Well this is one of the new mini-lasers, and here is an improved lower class Agonizer, some high-powered flashlights, but here is the pièce de resistance! 

UPCHUCK holds up a small rod with a detachable base. 

** DARIA **  


(Feigning astonishment) 

> What is it? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Gloating.) 

> It's a fully functional atomic disrupter. The first of its kind. 

** DARIA **  


> How does it work? 

** UPCHUCK **  


> Well, using this very small, very powerful energy source, it generates a field that disrupts the normal forces that hold matter together. You aim it at whatever you want, and poof! It disappears into a cloud of dust. 

** DARIA **  


> Wow, that must take up a lot of power. 

** UPCHUCK **  


> It sure does. That's why the Imperium developed this mini-fusion reactor. All the power of 10 fusion reactors, all packed into this little power pack. 

** DARIA **  


> Wow, that sure is impressive. You know something, Charles? 

DARIA moves close in to UPCHUCK, puts her arms around his neck to pull him in closer. 

** UPCHUCK **  


(Nervous.) 

> Uh, what? 

** DARIA **  


(In a low, almost sultry voice.) 

> All of the excitement is making me a little dizzy. How about you? 

** UPCHUCK **  


(More nervous.) 

> Uh, yeah, I do feel a little faint. 

** DARIA **  


(Whispers in his ear.) 

> Well, let me help you then. 

DARIA leans toward UPCHUCK. Just as UPCHUCK thinks he's about to get his reward, his eyes get big, and he passes out cold like a lox, as the sound of a phaser being fired is heard. DARIA smiles, puts her phaser away, and prods the unconscious UPCHUCK with a booted toe. 

** DARIA (CONT'D.) **  


(Relieved.) 

> That was _too_ close. (Beat.) (Grins.) And too easy. 

DARIA grabs the disruptor from the floor, flips it up in the air, catches it, and leaves. 

INT. DARIA'S ROOM - SAME DAY - NIGHT. 

MS of DARIA, JANE, and BRITTANY, sitting on DARIA'S BED, POV FRONT CORNER OF THE ROOM, OBLIQUE. DARIA hands the disruptor to BRITTANY. 

** DARIA **  


> Well, here you go, one Ruttheimer Industries Prototype Disruptor, with micro-fusion power supply. 

CUT TO CU of BRITTANY, who carefully examines the Disruptor. 

** BRITTANY **  


(Impressed.) 

> Woooow, look at all the power in that small design! 

CUT TO MS of DARIA'S BED, POV FRONT CORNER OF THE ROOM, OBLIQUE. 

** JANE **  


> Do you think Upchuck will miss it? 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and JANE, POV TV. 

** DARIA **  


> Probably, but if he doesn't want his dad to beat him within an inch of his life, he'll probably keep his mouth shut long enough for our purposes. 

** JANE **  


> Was he difficult? 

** DARIA **  


> Are you kidding me? He was easy. The tough part was keeping myself from laughing and throwing up at the same time. 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> Did he try to kiss you? 

** DARIA **  


(Repulsed.) 

> God, no. Although he was closing in on me for a few minutes on the couch. Brittany, how close are we to getting this show on the road? I'm starving. 

CUT TO CU of BRITTANY, who is trying to adjust the DEVICE. She's concentrating so hard that she's sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth. 

** BRITTANY **  


(Concentrating. Doesn't look up at them.) 

> Give me a few minutes. I've got to make this power supply fit properly. (Gestures in a circle.) Talk amongst yourselves. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and JANE, POV TV. 

** DARIA **  


> Ok. So, how did we get the names Fire and Ice? 

** JANE **  


> Well, you know that _I_ would never have willingly subjected myself to the name "Fire Lane," unless I had been unduly influenced by my friends. (Glares at DARIA.) Apparently the other you has a thing for my older brother, Trent. He loved her cold way of dispatching opponents, so he called her his "favorite little ice cube." She thought that he was one of the coolest astrophysicists in town, and well, after we won our first challenge matches and were admitted to our ranks, because of her little crush, the names stuck. (Looks irritated.) _I_ didn't get much choice in the matter. 

** DARIA **  


> Trent's an _astrophysicist_? How can he do the math and stay awake? What about his music? 

** JANE **  


> What music? Trent's first love has always been science. As for sleeping, well, the boy's a workaholic -- he works so hard that it's hard to get him to ever sleep normally. I guess he's not quite the same Trent you know there. 

** DARIA **  


> No, I guess not. This is all just too weird. (Smiles.) I _am_ sorry that you got stuck with "Fire" Lane though. 

** JANE **  


(Shrugs it off.) 

> Ah, don't be. As Jane, I was a washed-up artist with a bad left hand. As Fire, I've got an opportunity to make something of myself. (Grimaces.) Although learning the scimitar right-handed _was_ a chore. 

** DARIA **  


> What happened to your art? 

** JANE **  


(Avoiding a painful subject.) 

> I had an accident in 5th grade training and slashed a couple of tendons. Let's just say that I've found other ways to express myself now. (Grins lopsidedly.) Besides, as an artist, I'd be lucky to make it to 25. With my combat skills, I'm assured of a command sometime down the road. 

CUT TO CU of BRITTANY. BRITTANY makes a few adjustments to a small rod-shaped DEVICE with three lights on it, and one button. 

** BRITTANY **  


(Concentrating.) 

> Almost there. 

BRITTANY makes one final turn of a screw. 

** BRITTANY (CONT'D.) **  


(Elated, in her usual child-like manner.) 

> There! It's finished! 

CUT TO MS of DARIA'S BED, POV FRONT CORNER AT OBLIQUE. 

** JANE **  


(Looks at the DEVICE suspiciously.) 

> Okay... will it work? 

** BRITTANY **  


> Oh, sure! Now, Daria, all you need to do is hold on to this and push the button. Then you start running. You'll be running through countless alternative universes. When the light turns yellow, slow down to a brisk stroll. When it's green, stop, press the exit button, and you're good to go! 

** DARIA **  


> So, then I just hand it over to the other Daria and tell her to do the same thing? 

** BRITTANY **  


> Yeah! She needs to press the exit button again to activate the portal. Don't turn the unit off though-- it consumes too much power to restart it again. 

BRITTANY hands DARIA the DEVICE. 

CUT TO CU DARIA, JANE and BRITTANY. 

** DARIA **  


> Fire, Brittany, I want to thank you guys. You've truly been good friends when I really needed you. I wish you both all the best. 

** JANE **  


> Ah, don't worry kid. I'll have Ice make sure that she teaches Brit here some of her secrets. And I'll make sure that Upchuck gets his junk back. You go and have fun, we'll be ok. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA'S BED, POV TV. DARIA stands up and moves away a bit from the bed. 

** DARIA **  


> Okay. Slap him extra hard for me. (Beat.) Well, here goes nothing. 

DARIA pushes the button. Nothing happens for a second, then, all of a sudden, the rooms gets blurry and hazy in an expensive special effects kind of way. 

** BRITTANY **  


(Shouts.) 

> Start running, Daria! 

DARIA turns words into actions. As she's running, she looks down at the little lights. First the lights are red, then they start to turn yellow. As she slows down, she looks to the side, and sees her and all of her friends first jumping up and down on pogo sticks, then she sees everyone in football uniforms, then she looks down, and the light turns green. She stops. 

INT. DARIA'S NORMAL ROOM - NIGHT. 

MS of DARIA'S BED, POV FRONT CORNER AT OBLIQUE. DARIA turns around and looks, and she's back in her old room. The OTHER DARIA is leaning back on the bed, hands behind her head, wearing DARIA'S usual outfit, one leg crossed crossed over the other, swinging it up and down irritatedly. She's in a bad mood. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Ticked off.) 

> What took you so long? 

** DARIA **  


> Excuse me? 

OTHER DARIA gets up off the bed, and walks towards DARIA. 

CU of DARIA AND OTHER DARIA, POV SIDE. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


> Well, obviously you had Brittany build you some sort of gadget to get out of my universe, and I sure as hell want out of yours! Your stupid parents have locked me in here for the last three days, when all I did was give Upchuck and Quinn a lesson in respect for their betters! 

** DARIA **  


> Great. Thanks for making my life easier for me. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


> No problem. Tell you what, you can keep the uniform as a memento. You can even have my bullwhip, just get me the hell outta here! 

** DARIA **  


> Ok, ok. You gratitude is overwhelming. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


> Funny. Be grateful you just have to put up with idiots every day. At least they aren't usually armed. 

DARIA hands the OTHER DARIA the DEVICE. 

** DARIA **  


> True enough. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and OTHER DARIA, POV SIDE. 

** DARIA (CONT'D.) **  


(Grins sardonically.) 

> Well, good luck, anyway. Press the exit button to reopen the portal, then run until the light turns yellow, then walk until it turns green. When it turns green, press the exit button again. (Beat.) And keep those knives sharp around Upchuck. He's gonna be mad at you for a while. I zapped him with a phaser. 

** OTHER DARIA **  


(Grins.) 

> Thanks. I appreciate the favor. I had meant to do that a few weeks ago. Now I can cross that off my list of New Year's resolutions. Hey, good luck to you too. Oh, by the way, you mom scheduled you and Quinn for some counseling tomorrow morning, and Ms. Li has you signed up for detention for a week.

The OTHER DARIA takes the DEVICE. A large hole opens up in the wall, and the OTHER DARIA runs off through it back to her universe. DARIA moves towards the bed. 

** DARIA **  


> Great. Even I act like a jerk to me. (Looks upwards.) Do I have a giant sign on my back that says, "Kick me?" (Beat. Sighs.) I need to lay down. 

DARIA lays down on her bed, and promptly falls asleep. 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. JANE'S ROOM - THE MORNING AFTER THE "STAR TREK" MARATHON. 

XCU of JANE, POV DARIA. A blurry JANE is shaking DARIA awake. 

** JANE **  


> Come on, Daria, you've got to wake up. It's almost noon, and we've got things to do. Saturday's wasting away. 

CUT TO WS of DARIA and JANE, POV WINDOW. DARIA sits up from her sleeping bag, puts on her glasses. and puts a hand to her forehead. TRENT walks by the door and pauses. 

** DARIA **  


(Disoriented.) 

> Whoa, where the heck am I? Ugh. That was some weird dream. Remind me to _never, ever_ eat that pizza again. (Shakes her head.) 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> It wasn't the one with Trent and the pudding, again, was it? 

TRENT grins and walks on out of the scene. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA. 

** DARIA **  


(Blushes.) 

> No, it most certainly was _not_. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JANE. 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> Are you sure? 

** DARIA **  


> I'm positive. I dreamed that I was trapped in an alternate universe, where everyone was everyone, but not everyone. 

** JANE **  


> Uh-huh. 

** DARIA **  


> And somehow I switched places with my evil counterpart, who promptly started beating the crap out of Upchuck and Quinn in this universe. 

** JANE **  


> Uh-huh. You know, I think the pudding dream sounded more interesting. (DARIA glares at her.) You really should forget about what Upchuck did. I already gave you my word that I'd buy the next bowl of chowder. Was my evil counterpart there too? 

** DARIA **  


> Um, I tell you what, I'll explain the rest later. Right now, I need food. I'm starving. 

** JANE **  


(Smirks.) 

> Well, there's always room for rich Jell-O pudding. 

DARIA glares at JANE. 

EXT. SIDEWALK SOMEWHERE IN LAWNDALE - SAME DAY - A LITTLE WHILE LATER. 

MS of DARIA and JANE, walking down the sidewalk, POV FRONT OBLIQUE (not a profile, but not head-on, either.) 

** JANE **  


> Okay, so Trent was an astrophysicist and everyone carried weapons? 

** DARIA **  


> Well, not everyone. Kevin, Brittany and Quinn also wore those weird coveralls from the old Star Trek series. 

** JANE **  


(Grins.) 

> Your dream, Quinn's nightmare. 

** DARIA **  


> Oh, but it gets better. We were the two most popular people on campus. (Grimaces.) Well, not so much popular as brutal. We even had special nicknames. And when Brittany wasn't solving complex physics problems for us, she was carrying our books and equipment. And, of course, Kevin was the answer man for Mr. DeMartino's history class. 

** JANE **  


> Was DeMartino any different? 

** DARIA **  


(Sarcastically.) 

> Oh, yeah, way different. (Beat.) He had a scar. 

** JANE **  


(Intrigued.) 

> Ok, so what were our special nicknames? 

** DARIA **  


(Sighs.) 

> Part of me hoped you wouldn't ask, but that part of me also knew that you would anyway. (Beat.) I went by Ice. 

** JANE **  


> No surprise there. (Grins, and checks to see if the jab registered. It did.) And? 

** DARIA **  


(Embarrassed. Looks away guiltily.) 

> You were called Fire. 

CUT TO CU of DARIA and JANE, POV FRONT. 

JANE stops, turns, and just stares at DARIA in disbelief for a few beats. DARIA looks at her, shrugs, turns and starts walking again, JANE follows. 

** DARIA (CONT'D.) **  


> On behalf of my subconscious mind, I apologize. (Beat.) I guess what really bothered me about the whole thing was how ridiculous I looked when I was acting like a savage. When the other me wasn't attacking Quinn, the real me was zapping the other Upchuck with a phaser. (Sighs.) You were right. I should just get over it and move on. 

CUT TO MS of DARIA and JANE walking away, POV BEHIND THEM, STATIONARY, FIXED FOCAL LENGTH. 

** JANE **  


(A little disappointed.) 

> You mean there was an Upchuck in your parallel universe, too? 

** DARIA **  


> Come on, Jane, there's an Upchuck in _every_ universe. (Sighs.) You just have to make sure they don't drag you down to their level.

FADE OUT. 

ROLL CREDITS to the music of "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring. (What else did you expect for this ep.?)   
  
  
  


Okay, here are the notes. If you have further questions, or just want to yell at me for using a dream as a basis for a crossover (okay, so it's a little weak as a premise), [email][1] me. And, hey, if you liked it, definitely email me. I hope these notes clear up any questions you may have. (And, yes, I still promise to never do a crossover again.) 

The font I used in the titles is a font called "Trek," that I picked up somewhere a while ago-- I always wanted to use it. The font for the little Paperpusher Dude is Trebuchet. All of the graphics were either created in Illustrator, Photoshop, or NetObjects Fusion. The planet thingy with the lightning bolts is the same one you'd see all over the place if the ep ever aired. (Yes, I know that in the "Star Trek" ep they used a big dagger/sword instead of lightning bolts. Only a true Trek Geek would point that out. I'd already done the design before I saw the ep for the first time in about 10 years-- all I could remember was the planet and something thrusting through it, so I used lightning bolts.) 

Nares: The external openings of the nostrils. Ha, made you learn something. 

Curly Joe Derita: My favorite Stooge. He was the best of the Curlies, IMO. 

Redshirts: You know, the guys who always bite the dust in the "Star Trek" eps. 

Vaseline Filters: In the old "Star Trek," they used that technique a lot to make everyone look a little younger. Cheaper than having ILM do it, I guess. 

Pizza toppings: I had planned to just use pineapples & jalapenos, as that combo alone grosses me out (a friend of mine used it in high school & college so that no one would eat her pizza-- it worked), but everyone told me I had to make it grosser. So I did. 

Clamato: A disgusting drink consisting of tomatoes, other veggies, and clam juice. Yuk. 

"I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open." Alright, MSTies, which MST3K ep does that line come from? (Hint: it's from one of the Comedy Central eps.) Geek check! 

Uniforms: The uniforms that everyone wears in the alternate universe in the ep, well, they're all variations of what Kirk wore while he was aboard the Imperial Starship Enterprise, except with undershirts added for modesty's sake. The lower-level students wear nondescript coveralls, again, just like in the old "Star Trek" series. 

Lothar of the Hill People: An old SNL sketch starring Mike Myers as Lothar, a barbarian from the time before history. Pretty funny stuff, actually. 

Agonizer: Directly from the "Star Trek" ep. It does pretty much what it says. You may have also heard it used on an old MST3K ep, as well. I'm not the first person to have fun with this "Star Trek" ep, and I doubt I'll be the last. 

Fu-Manuchu Fu (As Joe Bob would call it): In the original ep, the way to tell the good Spock from the evil spock was that the evil Spock had a Fu-Manchu beard. So I gave them to Jake and Upchuck as an _hommage_. 

What did you do to Helen? Well, I have to admit that I was slightly influenced by the caricature that they ran in the Season Two credits. 

Dilithium: Again, from the ep. Both Kirks were sent to a planet in order to negotiate a dilithium mining agreement. I made Jake the administrator. 

The speech that Other Daria gives to Quinn at the end of Act I is also a play on the line the evil Kirk uses on the good Spock when the good Spock has the evil Kirk locked up right away when the evil Kirk accidentally beams aboard the Enterprise. The same fate is in store for the Other Daria. 

I smell Fire: Wonder why Jane called herself "Fire?" Well, I was in a parking lot, and I got inspired. I'll admit that I probably should've buried that Creative Impulse, but, hey, life's short, and I couldn't think of any other way to get a character in there called "Fire Lane." 

Combat Skills Sign: A riff on the sign on the door in "Esteemsters." Remember, in a violent universe, you're only as good as your butt-kickin' skills are. 

Pain Amplifier: Okay, that came straight out of _Dune_. It works like an Agonizer, only it's big enough to spend the rest of your life in. (The Guild warned the Emperor that he'd spend the rest of his life in one if he messed up Spice production.) Geek check! 

Maybe You Can: A riff on the "Yes I Can" poster in Mr. O'Neill's classroom. 

"Allowed to carry weapons:" Well, people without rank aren't allowed to carry weapons. My Universe (sort of), My Rules. 

DeMartino & Ms. Li? They don't change at all. The other Mr. O'Neill finally gave in to the demons that tormented him as an unpopular youth, and by redirecting those feelings through violence, he managed to achieve great things in the evil universe. Unlike the real Mr. O'Neill, who is desperately trying to keep all of his demons bottled up through denial, while they slowly eat away his soul. 

Junk Science: I took great liberties with the science (hey, "Star Trek" does it, why can't I?). The "ionic interference" came straight from the "Star Trek" ep -- it's what caused the original flip-flop. I took the idea of String Theory and butchered it pretty well to suit my own purposes. From what I remember about it from a lecture a few years ago when I was half-asleep, according to String Theory, all subatomic particles are eventually composed of 3 different kinds of "strings," as they're called. Each string "vibrates" at a different frequency, and therefore has different properties. As strings are combined, they form different subatomic particles. Of course, the Big Flaw in the theory is that strings are so small that they defy detection. (_See_ Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.) The whole thing about resonance frequencies, well, I made it up. 

Brittany & Kevin: C'mon, you can't say that you didn't see that coming. 

"Blah, blah, blah ...": So I ran short on ideas. Everyone hits a dry spell. 

Weapon Collection: In a brutal world, it's kinda like showing someone your "etchings." If you still don't know what I mean, ask someone about 10 years older. 

"Woooow!": Brittany says it the same way she said it at the flower display in "I Don't." 

Gratuitous Trent: I love to tweak the TEB/anti-TEB crowd, and it actually might lead to something down the road. But don't even ask me what, cause I won't tell you. (Needless to say, it will be a surprise-- you won't expect it, so don't even _try_ to predict where this might wind up. Translation: I have NO idea of what I'm gonna do with it yet.) 

As for the pudding ref, that actually came from an old saying we had in band, "There's always room for Jell-O!" It usually referred to the little Jell-O shooters that helped to ease the pain of losing college football games by huge, lopsided scores. We sat there in an almost empty stadium, in the rain a few times, and watched a certain major college FB team go 1-10, while we wore tacky polyester uniforms. I'd rather watch surgery. I just decided to riff on the Jell-O ref. 

Poor Upchuck: Okay, I'll admit that I beat up on Upchuck a lot in this ep, but I tried to make him deserve it as much as possible. The ep was trying to express the idea that while revenge may be fun, it does debase you somewhat by bringing you down to the other person's level. It's one of those Important Lessons, but I didn't intend to beat everyone over the head with it. 

All a Dream!?! That's Weak!: No, it isn't. I set it up that way from the beginning. If you were paying attention, I spelled it all out in big letters. Take a "Star Trek" marathon, an evil pizza, recent frustrations from a certain creep, add 'em all up, and you get a weird-ass dream. That's all this is, just a weird-ass dream that lets Daria think a little about maybe not wasting so much energy on revenge. 

Updates: 11.1.98-- Fixed a bunch of misspellings. 

   [1]: mailto:paperpusher@xoommail.com



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